Toxicity
A toxic environment can be one of the most frustrating experiences. It can wreak havoc on our physical and mental health, or send us into a spiral whether it happens at work, in a marriage, or even in a friendship. Have you noticed that it’s hard to call it out when you are in the middle of it? It’s like being in the eye of a tornado, you know the wind is blowing and the hail is falling but you can’t see the debris being picked up and thrown hundreds of yards, if not miles away. (No, I haven’t been inside a tornado either but the movie “Twister” gave us a good idea of what it could be like.)
As a bi-vocational worship leader, I served eight years in such a severe, toxic work environment that it left me diagnosed with Post-traumatic stress syndrome, also known as PTSD. It didn’t stop there, the entire team was put in a state of survival. Some team members left and some stuck through it but every one of us was scarred in some way or another. After my toxic boss left they were replaced with a new style of leadership but just as toxic with a different spin. I went from a misogynistic environment to a severe micro-managing environment. I remember when I realized that my new boss was just a different version of the old boss I felt incredibly sad and overwhelmed. A year after my PTSD diagnosis, I could feel the clouds part a bit. I learned that my response to the experience was normal and that there was a way out. I just had to find the path forward and that path was learning who I was outside of that environment.
In case you are not aware of what a toxic work environment looks like or maybe you think you might be in one but are unsure I did a quick AI search for examples to give you an idea. And wow, AI came up with some doozies. Highlighted below are the ones I chose because I experienced every one of them during my time as a worship leader.
Bullying and Harassment
Verbal Abuse: Frequent yelling, insults, or derogatory comments from colleagues or supervisors.
Discrimination: Unequal treatment based on race, gender, age, religion, or any other personal characteristic.
Sexual Harassment: Unwanted sexual advances, inappropriate comments, or physical contact.
Unrealistic Expectations
Overworking: Consistently demanding long hours without adequate compensation or time off.
Unattainable Goals: Setting targets that are impossible to achieve, leading to constant stress and burnout.
Micromanagement: Excessive oversight where employees have little autonomy or decision-making power.
Gossip and Backstabbing
Rumor-Mongering: Spreading false information or rumors that undermine colleagues' reputations.
Blame Games: Shifting responsibility for failures onto others to avoid accountability.
Cliques and Favoritism: Favoring certain employees over others, leads to division and resentment.
Poor Communication
Lack of Transparency: Withholding important information or making decisions behind closed doors.
Inconsistent Messaging: Conflicting instructions or changing expectations without clear communication.
Dismissive Attitude: Ignoring or dismissing employees' concerns, ideas, or contributions.
Mental and Emotional Strain
Stress and Anxiety: An atmosphere that constantly induces stress, leading to anxiety or depression.
Burnout: Chronic exhaustion due to the relentless pressure and lack of support.
Fear of Retaliation: Employees are afraid to speak up about issues due to potential punishment or backlash.
“I found a layer of myself I had no idea was there; a level of tenacity and an “I’ll show you” mentality that came from deep inside of me.”
Thankfully, I found a way to push through with therapy, family, and supportive colleagues and friends. I found a layer of myself I had no idea was there; a level of tenacity and an “I’ll show you” mentality that came from deep inside of me. I never want to give credit to those toxic bosses for making me stronger, however, the circumstances truly did. For months following the first experience I cried at the drop of a hat. I was angry at everyone and had a new personality trait of hypersensitivity that made me miserable to deliver any sort of news to. Everything was gloom and doom. If it wasn’t for my family, the community that I had been a part of for 16 years, and the belief that I was called to that position I would have thrown in the towel years before I was abruptly let go this past April.
I tell you this story because instead of living in the woe of it all, I took the situation I was in and decided to share my knowledge of leadership with others to create a culture of healthy and self-aware leaders. I have been leading, coaching, and championing people for over 20 years. Whether teaching swimming, being a mom, running a small business, managing young adults, or leading a large volunteer team, my goal has always been to ensure each individual is supported and equipped to succeed. Since 2017 I have been using a tool called the Enneagram. The Enneagram defined by Clover Leaf, “describes patterns in how people interpret the world and manage their emotions. It describes nine personality types and maps each of these types on a nine-pointed diagram which helps to illustrate how the types relate to one another.”
I use this tool almost daily in my life, in management and coaching. It can be a bit nuanced and overwhelm a novice but if used in a way to understand an individual’s motivation it can be incredibly powerful at building bridges and understanding how people can work alongside each other. It was pivotal in allowing my first toxic boss and me to end on a good note. Once I discovered their enneagram it allowed me to understand where they were coming from. By the end of our time together they were my biggest champion and even apologized for not seeing my potential in the beginning. That is the power of empathy and seeing someone for who they truly are. Unfortunately, the damage had been done to me, and it’s taken years to recover.
More recently I discovered a tool that allows people to put language to the “why” behind their decisions. It speaks more to the root of our emotional intelligence and I believe I will be using it more and more. In January 2024, I heard Mike Foster speak on a thought leadership podcast, Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast. Shout out to Carey, one of the best interviewers of the podcast era. After listening to Mike share his groundbreaking discovery of what he calls The Seven Primal Questions, I immediately bought and read the book. And when I say “read the book,” I listened to the Audiobook and finished within 2 days. I was so intrigued by how straightforward the information was and I experienced many “a-ha moments” after discovering my own Primal Question. So, here’s the breakdown.
We all have an apex emotional need or a primal question we are trying to answer. This question was instilled by either a childhood trauma or the environment we grew up in. When this question is answered with a “yes” we are thriving and living our best life. However, when that question is being answered with a “no” or a “maybe” we go into what Mike calls a “scramble.” We begin to live out a toxic version of ourselves and the negative attributes of our primal question. I know, it sounds too simple but it’s incredible.
If you want to buy the book- click here
“When I feel that I belong or am pursued I am the world’s most inclusive soul.
I want everyone to feel wanted so that becomes my superpower ”
For example, my Primal Question is #4, Am I Wanted? When I feel I belong or am being pursued I am the world’s most inclusive soul. I want everyone to feel wanted so that becomes my superpower, ensuring clarity and inclusion is a priority for me. Whether we're in a crowd, attending a dinner party, or working together on a team, I make it my responsibility to ensure you have a seat at the table and are fully informed. But on the flip side, my kryptonite is rejection, or the fear of missing out (“FOMO” as millennials would call it.) In my scramble, I second-guess my abilities if anyone doesn’t like me. On a small scale, if a colleague doesn’t invite me to lunch I can feel like the world is ending. On a larger scale, if my ideas are consistently ignored or my abilities questioned daily it can cause a debilitating spiral. If I don’t feel seen or heard I can “peacock” and maybe try to sound like I know everything about a topic. It’s not pretty but with this one piece of information, I can take control of my thoughts and emotions and trust that I know I am wanted and that I belong. Looking back on life I can see the many times I have felt wanted and when I didn’t.
Are you curious what all 7 Primal Questions are?
Seven Primal Questions
1. Am I safe?
2. Am I secure (financially)
3. Am I loved?
4. Am I wanted?
5. Am I successful?
6. Am I good enough?
7. Do I have a purpose?
After reading through them can guess which one you relate to most? Taking a page from Superman can you guess what the superpower and kryptonite might be for each one?
A Success Story
I have a dear friend who has been trying to make a major life decision for years. For more than five years, she would get close to the precipice of jumping into a new life but freeze and run back to the muck and mire she was living in. When I told her about the Seven Primal Questions she was very intrigued and read the book too. She actually read the physical book and immediately took the PQ Quiz. When she learned that her question was “#1, Am I safe?” it gave her so much insight into her decision-making skills and why she was so stuck. We met up and I decided to reverse-engineer the question for her. I asked her, “In order to get out of this proverbial muck, what do you need to be safe?” Within 10 days of discovering her PQ, she took the leap she had been waiting for. It was so awesome to watch her take such a brave leap. I mean, come on, that is exciting!!! I am also part of a cohort of other PQ coaches and get to hear story after story of lives changed by such a small step in their coaching.
So what’s your story? Are you sitting in the muck and mire of life? Are you paralyzed with fear or sitting in a scramble not knowing what is up or what is down? Are you a leader who can’t decide if you’re the coach or the player? How would you like to know what your apex emotional need is and help the world around answer that with a “YES!” “Yes,” you are loved, or safe, or successful, or good enough. “Yes,” you have a purpose, are wanted, or have financial security. Or use that information to guide your leadership style?
If you want to discover your Primal Question, take the quiz. If you want to discuss with me how to get out of your scramble and lead with empathy, book a discovery call. I am so excited to work with you and help you dig deep to live your best life yet!
